The limits of devotion
I have always been an intense person that is too deeply involved with anything they like. When I was 14, I liked video games but then I grew obsessed with them. I was an average player, a casual gamer but it was never enough for me to just have fun and relax. I needed to be better. During a summer vacation, I obsessed over anime, watching around 200 anime series over three months.
Over the years, I grew up and I obsessed over more serious things: life goals, things I wanted to have and most of all, I obsessed over the people that I loved. Don't get me wrong. I didn't just grow obsessed with random people overnight, I shared years with them before I would grow extremely attached to them.
Most of them unfortunately failed to understand me, assigning to me blame and bad intentions that they claimed I had. I did not understand their claims but I gave them the benefit of the doubt, kept trying to work on myself. However, I soon reached the conclusion that they simply can not care about me intensely the way I do for them and I assigned myself the task of caring less. I kept trying to understand more. Maybe if I had enough information about detachment, it will hurt less to be more casual, to be less loving with the people I cared about but no matter how many self help books I read, it did not work.
I delved deeper into the topic, reading books about the psychology of relationships and attachment but I still could not let go of the people I loved, even when they hurt me. Especially when they hurt me. I kept thinking about what I do wrong and most importantly, how I can fix myself so I can continue being alongside them. I thought that the problem is my not being enough. I had issues like my short temper but maybe my biggest problem of them all is with my ability to form strong, deep attachments that are often one-sided.
I loved deeply, and with that came a terrible cost. When people did not love me back or appreciate it, I lost myself. I always prided myself on my ability to love deeply and be utterly loyal. However, almost every person (4 in 5) who I have been loyal to has utterly broke my trust. I do not fault them for this, it is me who should have had more boundaries, although I question them sometimes because I wish that someone cared about me like this. I would have never let them down.
It's been years now and I am getting older. I have realized that devotion is a scam. At least 90% of the time. I devote myself to people less and love myself more. People are not used to me being like this. I cut them off when they upset me and enforce boundaries. I do not call or text someone who has betrayed me. In fact, I pretend they are dead. People have started calling me heartless and a bitch. Maybe they are right. I have lost the ability to form new connections on the level I used to have. I chose to protect myself, but by doing so, I feel like I lost a core part of my personality that was really able to delve into a connection.
I miss it sometimes. The way I would be happy just from talking to someone I love. Life was more colorful back then, but it also hurt more. It feels like it is not my choice to become like this. It feels like my world went from every vivid color in the rainbow to shades of bland greys. Sometimes I feel like I should return to my old ways but it feels impossible to do so. The only person I am devoted to now is myself.