Dear Future Husband
Dear Future Husband,
It's March 6th, 2025, at 4:33 AM, and I can't sleep. I just finished my master's degree, three years of pouring everything I had into it, and now I'm lying in a Frankfurt hotel room, alone. Tomorrow I have an interview at a bank. It would be my first real job, and I need it so badly.
I'm tired, FH. The kind of tired that sleep doesn't fix. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have you here, someone to share the small burdens, like doing the dishes after breakfast. Someone who sees when I'm struggling and knows exactly when to push me forward and when to just hold me while I fall apart.
These three years alone have changed me in ways I didn't expect. My hair is thinner. I've gained weight. And if I'm being completely honest, I think I'm depressed. When I'm with my family, I eat properly again, take care of myself, start feeling human. But alone, it's like I'm punishing myself, making myself unattractive on purpose, building walls no one can climb. Maybe it's protection. Maybe after what happened last time, I decided that being undesirable meant being safe from getting hurt again.
But here's the contradiction: I still want to be seen. I still want connection. There's just this blockage I can't understand, and it terrifies me.
I've needed people before, FH, and they weren't there. Or they were there, but not in the way I needed. And I've learned that expressing pain often makes everything feel worse so I've gotten good at pretending everything is fine. Pretending pushes me forward because I don't have to think about what's really happening inside me.
Except my body won't let me ignore it anymore. Strange rashes keep appearing. Stress, apparently. But stressed about what, exactly? What am I even doing this for?
I need you to help me remember that life doesn't have to be this heavy. That I can be ambitious and successful without destroying myself in the process. That if I give everything I have and still fail, the opinions of people who wanted me to fail don't matter. They're all pretending too, just with better masks.
I need you to stay, especially when I'm difficult. Especially then. Because that's when I need someone most.
I've always told myself I'm independent, that I don't need anyone. But that's a lie. I'm desperately needy, and I've been let down so many times that admitting it feels dangerous. But I'm admitting it now, to you, whoever you are, wherever you are.
Please find me soon. Yours forever.